Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Modern Day Fairytale #2

Once upon a time, in a Kingdom Far Far Away, there lived an average couple. The couple were like any other couple in the Kingdom, however this couple had Issues. Fertility Issues.

One evening the man was faced once again with his wife screaming at him "I'm OVULATING! It's now or never!" He simply could not stand the, er, performance pressure and he escaped out the back door while his wife took her temperature for the fifteenth time that day.

Crossing over the back fence, he found himself in the neigbour's yard. His neighbour was a wicked feminist, known to many in the neighbourhood as "The Witch".
The Witch happened to be out checking her echinaecea seedlings that night as the man jumped into her garden.

"Oh Please Witc... er, I mean Ms! Ms, please let me hide out here for a little while"
The Witch quizzed him on what was wrong, and agree that he could hide out in her garden for as long as he wanted, afterall, she didn't want a little brat growing up next door kicking their balls over the fence into her Calendula. For added insurance, she made a deal:

"You can hide out here as long as you like, on the proviso that should your wife ever actually have a child you must send the baby away."

The husband, thinking that after 10 years of trying they had a snow-balls chance in hell of ever conceiving, agreed readily.

But Miracle or Miracles, four years, and 10 IVF cycles later, the wife gave birth to a little girl.

The couple were overwhelmed with joy... a joy that soon dissipated when the Witch's shadow crossed their doorstep, waving the contract the husband had signed four long years ago.


The following years were filled with custody battles and law suits. The Daughter, a brat called Repunzel, or Ray-pyn-zhail as she liked to be known, stayed with her parents while the legal issues were being sorted out. But then, alas, on her thirteenth birthday, the Witch and her team of Feminist Lawyers won the final appeal. Raypynzhail was to be sent away.

Poor R was locked in a tower in the middle of a thorny thicket, in the deepest part of the forest. She passed her day leaning out the window of the tower, singing lilting Christina Aguellera tunes, watching MTV and sending text messages to her friends in Far Far Away Highschool ("still trapd, i h8 wikd wtch, pls tape Lost 4 me")

Many years went by, and R's hair had grown to a ridiculous length. To dry it she had to hang it out the window, and it very nearly touched the ground. She was glad that no-one ever came to visit her (not even the Witch, who fed-exed R's food parcels to her), because after 4 years in the tower her dark roots were completely unmanageable, and she was in desperate need of a dye-job... a half head of foils at her favourite salon would have done it.

Fed up with her skanky, Shakira style roots, R decided the only thing left to do was chop off her hair. She grabbed her manicure scissors and started hacking away. After she finished she braided the long rope of hair, thinking she could fetch a good price for as Victoria Beckham's hair extensions, if she ever got out of the tower. Hanging the hair-rope on a nail near the window, she sat down to watch Britney's latest video clip.

Slowly, seeping through the image of Brit's gyrating hips, R had an idea. If she tossed the hair-rope out the window, she could climb down on it, and gain her freedom!

She she hurridly packed her things, and after two hours of deciding what outfit to wear, she climbed down the hair-rope. Once on the ground she dialed directory assistance for a cab ("I'm SO not walking in THESE heels!", and drove away back to Far Far Away, in time to stop at Vera Wang and her hair Salon, before strutting fashionably late into her own senior prom.


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