Thursday, June 08, 2006

I want a Lawyer!

Sub-clause C, paragraph 4.2 of the boyfriend/husband contract stipulates that if the girlfriend/wife hears a bump in the night, said boyfriend/husband must awake from deep slumber and get up to investigate.

This, though I am far from paranoid, has happened in our household a few times. I hear a noise, and shake Phil, who knows that it is far quicker to get out of bed than to try and reassure me it was nothing. So up he gets, armed only with a terry-cloth bath robe and the knowledge that I am probably ("BUT NOT DEFINITELY!", I scream hysterically) imagining things.

Imagine, if you will, my dismay upon discovering that the afore-mentioned clause in the boyfriend/husband contract only applies to real noises in the night. Aparently I am not covered at all when I dream that the alien from "Signs" is in the living room, and I want Phil to go out and check that it's not.

Goddammit, I should have read the fine print.


Philippe Roy said...

...and though you are my princess, and that real actual noises can be justified, imaginary monsters under the bed and 3-feet-tall martiens that are afraid of water are not a part of the (very REAL!) deal when it means waking-up with a jolt in the middle of the night to investigate an artists' imaginary friends and foes... I much prefer to stick to the grunt-and-roll-over tactic in those particular caseS.

Carbi Yarker said...

I, unfortunately, only have someone to check out ANY noises (real or imagined) 5 nights a fortnight. I thought that getting married would guarantee that I would have a scary noise checker.... I wonder if husbands working night shifts were mentioned in the fine print???
I sleep with a metal baseball bat beside my bed for those times I have to check out the noises myself!

Louise said...

Which is why, Phil my darling, [*she says in a sickly sweet voice*] I have decided not to tell you that I dreamed of an ALIEN in the livingroom, but rather that I heard an INTRUDER in the living room.
I know I'm crying wolf, but I figure I'm good for at least three aliens.

And Liz, I agree, that fine print's a bugger. It was much easier when we could just call for dad.

Carbi Yarker said...

It was easier, except I always had to psych myself up to yell and Mum was usually the one that came - and while scary....