Welcome to the World, Naomie Maree

Another Welcome to the World- seriously guys, stop reproducing! It's hard enough to get all the family in one house at Christmas as it is!

Hehehe, just kidding.

Presenting Naomie Maree:

Pictured here with her Great-grandmother (we always knew she was great), Marie-Jeanne... otherwise fondly known to one and all as The Crazy Old Biddy.

Naomie is the younger sister of Laura and Tommy... and, oh how I am starting to feel old!

Congratulations to proud parents Jules and Rodney.

Now send her old auntie in China some more pictures, will ya?!

Hint, hint...

How to know when it is time to de-frost your refrigerator:

Tricks

Although I learned to play the piano and flute as a kid, I have decided that at nearly 28 years old, it is time I learnt to play the guitar.

My friend Asbury is taking me on Monday to buy a cheap guitar and teach me the basics.

Am I crazy? Can an old dog really learn new tricks??


As an aside, it seems that while I want to learn the guitar, Phil is instead learning to be a father: When I told him of my grand guitar plans he looked at me sternly and said: "Are you going to take this seriously? Are you going to practice and everything? Or is it going to be just another fad....?"

I'll admit that his concerns aren't entirely without reason.... but this time it will be different!!

Teaching Dilema

I know I am supposed to correct my students' English, but would it be evil of me to not correct one kid's syntax because I find it hilarious that he speaks like Yoda?

Hamming it up

Phil and I went to a nice cafe last weekend, that we had been to once or twice before. It is situated in a renovated old Lane House, and judging by the prices, the western menu and the English-speaking waiters it is clearly catering to the ex-pat crowd. For the sake of anonymity I will thinly veil the identity of the place by calling it Roquette.

Upon perusing the menu I decided that the vegetarian choices were a little slim, and so instead I'd get the Chef's Omlette, which comes with sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, gruyere cheese and ham- but omit the ham.

Waiter:"And what would you like madam?"

Me: "I'll have the chef's omlette, but without the ham please."

Waiter: "Sure, one chef's omlette, no ham."

As he bustled away I started to think that that was too easy for Shanghai, but decided to not be so negative, and trust in the very efficient waiter's skills. But I was eager to see what would happen.

Waiter: "Here madam- one Chef's Omlette, no ham."

I poked at the pink things in the omlette and wondered if they were just bits of tomato, but sure enough they were ham.

Me: "Excuse me, this has ham in it."

Waiter: "Really?"

Phil tastes the meat for me

Phil: "Yes it's ham."

Waiter: "Sure I'll change it."

Normally at this point the waiters try to argue with me about the meat. There is just so little understanding of vegetarianism here that they can't comprehend that I would want the food entirely without meat. This is the point where they start saying, "oh, but it's chopped very small", or "but it is no good without at least a little sausage". However I was pleasantly surprised that the waiter accepted our explaination and took the plate away without argument.

Moments later he put the same plate down in front of me.

Waiter: "Excuse me madam, I talked to the chef, and he says that this is NOT ham... it's bacon."

After several moments of me opening and closing my mouth like a suffocating fish I finally spluttered:

Me: "But Bacon is Ham! I mean, it's all pig!"

Waiter: "Oh so you don't want bacon either?"

Take it away, Buddha.

Yes, that's a big old flat screen tv worth of Buddhist chanting, Karaoke style.

I saw this at a temple here in China and to tell the truth was pretty horrified, but I guess even the monks have to move with the times.

Squash

Julie at A Little Pregnant has written hands down the best description/recount of a mammogram I have ever read. Anyone who has ever had their breasts handled and squished by total strangers (and not in a good way- in the name of medicine, people... clean it up) will get a good laugh and a few knowing nods out of it.

bug placement

Funny how this beetle knew just where to crawl for comic effect....


I took this photo at the Leshan Grand Buddha in Sichuan Province, China- these little Buddha statues were acually rubbish bins at the side of the footpath!

More Chinglish

I found these Chinglish pictures among my photos from the Great China-Palooza of 2006- otherwise known as the month my parents visited us and we travelled a bit around China. I realise that I have yet to post any of those pictures, other than the ones of Manny, but now that I have sorted through most of them I'll be able to do it soon. Yeah, I know, I'm such a tease.

A warning at the summit of Mt Emei:

Not so much Chinglish but rather cocky if you ask me:

Read it all the way through...

("Steamed what??")

Here, the toilet is called a stool pot, and after using it you are politely requested to erode in time.

The official souvenir stand at the Leshan Grand Buddha:

Great Chinglish Names (Vol 3)

I have written before about the proliferance of unusual English names in Shanghai, but it still never ceases to amuse me. It is pretty much the norm that most kids and young adults in Shanghai have an English name (just as I have a Chinese name). These English names are not official names but rather something chosen for the students by their parents, English teachers and sometimes by themselves.

As with names in all cultures, the English names here reflect popular culture. As such there are a lot of Kittys (of the 'Hello Kitty' fame), Mickeys and Minnies (Mouse, of course). Some names get even more inventive with creative spelling, or even miss-spellings that become the norm, for example Anmily and Samul (instead of Emily/Amelie and Samuel.

I have been here so long now that I usually barely batt an eyelid when marking new names into the student rolls. However last Wednesday I just couldnt help but laugh.

I had a new student join my English class, and his name is Peter. Now we already have one Peter in the class, and in order to be able to differentiate between them I asked him his family name.

"Pan," he replied, straight-faced.

Yep, that's right, his name is Peter Pan.

top tips

Lou's Top Tip of the Day:

When you are trying to photoshop a speck of dust off a picture and for some reason the healing tool just won't work: stop before you lose your temper at the program- and your computer in general- and try cleaning the crud off your monitor.

Classic Sesame Street

I know I havent written for a long time, I've been busy teaching a lot of summer classes at a few different schools here in Shanghai... I promise I'll write to tell all about the hi-jinx soon.

In the mean time I'll leave you with classic gold Sesame Street. I loved this clip so much when I was a kid that I still think of it whenever I hear Chariots of Fire. Be sure to watch to the end to see Grovers skinny little legs in slow-mo.

The week in Haiku

Summary of the week in Haiku*:

Teaching

Surly teenagers
in summer English classes
are longing to flee.

Summer

With a bang it comes,
Melting cheese on my sandwhich-
Shanghai summer arrives.

Summer rains fall hard,
Soaking me on my scooter.
Go inside, it stops.

Chinese

The man shouts hurridly
It must be something vital,
I take in nothing.


Have you got any of your own? (look here for Haiku "rules")

* I know these are bad- it's the first time I've tried this!

It's a wrap

And I thought wrapping my Christmas presents was a pain in the arse.... check this out.

Culinary fright

I just cooked Nutmeat Fritters for dinner.

Even though I have been vegetarian for 14 years, there are some vegetarian foods that still manage to horrify me.

They tasted ok, but really, Nutmeat Fritters??

UFOs in Shanghai

Check out a project my teenage English students did last weekend... UFOs In Shanghai!!

On becoming a Geek

It turns out that "Geek" is not just a word, but a virus. Something highly contagious but at the same time insidiously unassuming. It is the type of disease that lies dormant for years- all the years that you could actually do something about getting rid of it- until the moment when it has truly caught hold of you, and then it flares it's ugly head.

About a year ago, upon not being able to agree on a dvd to watch, I said one fateful line to Phil:

"Oh, ok, I suppose we can watch an episode of your Star Trek boxed set...."

[As an aside, even as I write now, I can't believe I am confessing this.]

What then followed over next year is something I can only describe as the slippery slope of addiction. Anyone who knows me would contest to the fact that I am just not Sci-Fi Fan material, and yet somehow I succumbed. Like any addiction, I kept thinking I could stop at any time, and yet at the same time I would be waiting anxiously for Phil to come home so we could put in the next disk. Aside from the fact that he would be highly unhappy at me watching episodes without him, and therefore forcing him to play catch-up before we could continue together, I was also working on the fact that- like with alcohol or cigarettes- if you only consume with someone else then it is still socially acceptable. One could say it was like being a social smoker.

It occurred to me about 3 months ago that I was addicted. It was about the same time that someone cut me off while I was riding my scooter to work, and I swore at him... in Klingon. It was the only word I know in Klingon, but it was Klingon none-the-less.

I managed to confess the addiction to a few friends, but only after swearing them to silence. My reputation was at stake afterall. Like many addicts, I even moved on a few times to become a dealer- lending out dvds to others. I can only imagine that I will feel the guilt of their ensuing addiction for as long as I live.

However the moment in which I truly realised the insidious nature of this "disease" came only a few days ago. I had accepted that I was an addict- a 'fan' if you will- however I still did not consider myself a geek. Yet on that fateful night Phil and I were watching an episode of 'Deep Space Nine', when two of the show's characters were sitting in a small space ship (a runabout) when they noticed something strange happening:

Character 1: "A ship is decloaking directly above us"

[The camera pans out to show a huge spaceship emerging from it's invisibility cloak above the small ship]

At that moment I gasped in horror and uttered "It's a Romulan Warbird!"

[The camera pans back in to show the original characters in their small ship]

Character 1: "It's a Romulan Warbird!"

Yes, I managed not only to follow the story line, but recognise a random spaceship and then announce it word-for-word before the character on the show did.

It's official- I'm a geek.

I hope they find a cure for this disease soon, but I think sadly it will be for the generations to come. I myself am a lost cause.

------------------------
PS. The blogger auto spell check dictionary does not recognise British English spelling, and yet it recognises the word "Klingon"! The disease is spreading...

A Romulan Warbird

bad publicity

Phil brought home a bunch of 'I-swear-I-didn't-know-it-was-pirated-when-i-bought-it-officer!' DVDs the other day. Most of the DVDs we buy here for $1 don't have the correct covers or blurbs on them so you get to see some pretty funny stuff. This one for Get Rich or Die Tryin' had me laughing (don't blame me for the movie choice- Phil has been in China for so long that he is at the point where he'll buy anything) The front cover looked authentic but on the back was written:

"A tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music. This movie is horrendous. The terrific directing cannot separate the fact that this movie is perhaps one of the worst 'I sell records, why not make an album?' movies ever. He cannot act, sounds like he is reading his lines from a textbook, and his feelings range from dumb to ohmygod! The visual style of this movie acts, and the whole film seems like a horrible stereotype developed by racists (of all colors) who see inner city blacks as nothing but criminals. It is a shame that nice movies set to an African American theme flop, but movies that showcase the worst in society that affect kids do so well."

Upon googling the above review I found it was copied and pasted straight from a comment on the IMDB site for this film.

Reviews like this, so obviously taken from the internet by someone who cannot read what they are stealing, are very common on the DVDs sold here. In fact I'd say I see one of these on about one in every ten DVDs- and in fact the actual rate is probably higher its just that only half of them are written in English, the others being in French, Italian, Spanish and a lot of Russian. It sure makes buying unknown DVDs interesting!

catch up

I know, I know: long time, no see... or no post as the case may be. But I promise I have a really good reason, or at least some semi-decent reasons which, when combined together, are very convincing.

It all started when......

[Cue chimes and a mystical flash-back fade out into the next scene...]

First, my hard drive up and died one day. I walked into my studio/office and sat down at my computer one bright, clear morning. Ok, so this is me in Shanghai and if I'm honest that last sentence should have read: I liberally sloshed coffee on the old t-shirt of Phil's I was wearing as I staggered bleary eyed into the room that contains the flotsam and jetsam of my life, at about 1pm on a polluted Shanghai day. I sat down at my laptop and thought: "Hmmm, that's weird, it's turned off. I never turn it off. Although, I really should start doing that. Oh well..." and pressed the power button.

Nothing.

So, dipping into my deep well of IT wisdom, I did the only thing I could think of: I repeatedly jabbed at the power button screaming "Nooooooooo!" at the top of my lungs.

Still nothing.

The hard drive is only a few months old, and so Phil said he'd try to fix it. After two weeks of me leaving my coffee cups on his desk he got sick of me using his computer and tried to fix mine. No luck. About two weeks after that he took it to work and asked the IT guy to look at it. About two hours after that it was fine. It turns out that the thingy-ma-bob in the C whatsit was having troubles with the whatsy-ma-call-it and the something-a-rather thingy-ma-jigged it all up.

Yeah, I wasn't listening.

The documents have all been saved but all the programs have been wiped. Once they are re-um-put-in... re-installed! That's it!- once they are re-installed it will be ready to lock and load. Given past history this could take either two hours or two minutes depending on who does it.

Ok, so that is one reason. The next reason is that I started a new job. My sensible shoes give it away. No, I'm not a lesbian, or a librarian for that matter... I'm a nursery school teacher.

I started looking for monday to friday work a few months ago as I am totally sick of working weekends (as is the nature of part time teaching). I got offered a position at an English school but the schedule was evenings and all weekend, though the money was great. I decided that money wasn't everything, and at this point I wanted some weekend time. I looked at few kindergartens that were offering Mon- Fri work, with 8am-4pm days. The money wasn't great, but it wasn't too bad either. However the thing that kept putting me off was that they were all very dingy, with tiny play areas and when I walked in to each one I felt trapped. I kept turning down jobs, thinking that the right one will eventually come along, and lo and behold I got lucky. Really lucky.

I have just started working mornings only at a great international school with enormous grounds and facilities. And the best part is that they pay the same as the very first job I was offered, but working half the hours, no evenings, and no weekends. Working the mornings means that I will have time to paint in the afternoons- once I recover from teaching 17 two year olds all morning!

I started last Friday, doing substitute teaching for a teacher who had to leave two weeks before the end of term, and will officially start again in August. Nursery Yellow here I come! During the summer I will be teaching a summer course for the English school I part-time for now, which will pay the bills.

In the meantime I am still working weekends for the rest of this month, and some afternoons, plus the mornings at the kindergarten. Yes, that is every day of the week. Just in case you were wondering: this fact alone explains why the writing in this post sounds like I am either on crack or haven't slept in a very long time.

Scrumptious!

Photos of my new Nephew, Cooper Jye: