Lessons of Parenthood- the first month.

1. Never, ever lick what appears to be pumpkin soup off your fingers- in all likelihood it is actually orange baby poo.

2. Bras are the perfect receptacle for catching the baby vomit that is sent running down your cleavage.

3. If people are staring at your boobs, its probably not because of how amazingly sexy they look, but rather they are looking at the two circular wet patches of milk spreading through your clothes.

4. 3 hours of sleep is something to be thankful for.

5. 4 hours of sleep is something to rejoice.

6. 5 hours of sleep is nothing short of a miracle.

7. 6 hours of sleep however, will have you jumping out of bed every 20 minutes to check that the baby is actually breathing. It seems you can have too much of a good thing.

8. Explosive poos requiring a full clothing change and hose-down usually only happen when you are half asleep in the middle of the night.

9. The exception to the aforementioned rule is when you are in public and least prepared to deal with it.

10. The baby will only sleep when you don't want it to.

11. You will cry more, and for longer, during any medical procedure than the baby will.

12. You will rapidly care very little about the state of your wardrobe... "there's not that much baby poo on it..."

13. There are two types of people in this world: those who will hold open a door for you or help you carry a pram up a flight of stairs, and those who will walk straight past as if you don't exist.

14. It is impossible to determine the aforementioned two groups of people by looks, age or sex, only by action after the fact.

15. The baby will always clamour to be fed at the precise moment you sit down to eat your own meal.

16. You will always forget something when you leave the house.

17. So long as you don't forget the baby you are doing pretty well.

18. Ordinary things become hilariously funny when you are sleep-deprived.

19. A good day is one in which you manage to shower and do your hair.

20. Then absolute and immense love you feel for your baby cannot be described or quantified.